3 Ways to Bring More Peace & Love to Your Relationship
I’m in several online groups and often hear women who are frustrated with their husbands and feel like their marriages could be better. I noticed that many of us often get confused about why we get married or are in a relationship in the first place. We bring into relationships all these expectations. We have all these desires and needs, and we expect our partners to fulfill those things. We have a manual for them and how they should behave or what they should say. And when they don’t fulfill these things or follow our manual, we use it to feel resentment and frustration.
Here are 3 things that can bring you more peace and love in your relationship.
Understand What Love Really Is
It’s important to understand that our thoughts create our feelings, which create our actions, which create our results. Love is an emotion that we feel, created by our thoughts. When we feel the emotion of love, we take action from the emotion of love.
The only way it is possible for us to feel emotions is with our thinking. Think about it, if we’re unconscious, we don’t feel emotion…because our brain isn’t consciously thinking. So many of us think that we experience emotion based on what’s happening in the world, based on what people say or do or don’t say or don’t do. But the only time you will ever experience love is if you have a thought that causes it.
We tend to think that our partner saying “I love you” or doing certain things is what makes us experience feeling loved. What your partner does or doesn’t do is just the circumstance. You are always in control of whether you’re feeling loved or not.
The only reason you’ll ever feel love is because of a thought you have in your brain.
If you’re not feeling love “towards” him, if you’re not feeling love “from” them, it is only because you’re not thinking in a way that causes you to feel love. We can’t actually feel love from another person. We can only feel love created by our thoughts of them.
Stay with me on this, Momma. This is super important. You get to decide how you want to feel towards your husband or partner at any moment. If you aren’t feeling loving, it’s because of what you’re thinking. If you are feeling loving, it’s because of what you’re thinking, not because they cleaned the house or helped with the kids or bought you a gift or said all the right things.
We think that if they act a certain way or do certain things, then we would for sure feel better. We have this false belief that other people’s actions dictate our emotions. And we think we have to control what this other person does in order for us to feel a certain way. This simply isn’t true. And when we believe that they do need to behave in a certain way, we turn into a crazy person trying to control and manage someone else’s behavior. This isn’t enjoyable for anyone…not you and certainly not them.
Understanding His Role
When you think a thought like, “I wish my husband was more appreciative. I wish he would help with the kids more. I wish he would be more snuggly. I wish he would be more complimentary,” whatever it is that you’re telling yourself…it may sound very innocent and sweet. But as soon as you put yourself in the position where his behavior determines how you feel, you will feel hopeless and completely out of control.
“Then what’s the point of having a husband? If they’re not there to love you, why in the world would you even have a husband?”
So you have someone to love. That’s it. How much different would your relationship be if you dropped all the rules he needed to follow in order for you to feel love towards him? What if you just dropped the manual and let him just be really good at being who he already is? His only job is just to be there for you to love him. Everything else is icing on the cake.
When I say love them, I mean have loving thoughts about them so we experience the emotion of love. Now when you experience the emotion of love, you will act in a loving way. That’s fun, fun for your husband and fun for you.
That doesn’t mean that we can’t make requests. We can say, “Hey, it will be totally great if you would do this thing. I would love that. This is my preference,” and then if it’s fun and easy for them to do it, they’ll probably be happy to do it. It only becomes a problem when we hang our emotions on whether or not they meet our request.
The best relationships are when you can say, “Hey, I’ll meet my needs. You meet your needs and the rest of it is just a great time. That way we don’t have to go around having conversations with each either all the time about how you should behave and what you should you do differently in order for me to be happy and we don’t blame our unhappiness on each other.” That’s a lot of unhappiness and a lot of pressure for someone to be responsible for all our emotions. I know I don’t want that job.
We are responsible for how we feel. We are responsible for how we think. We are not responsible for our partner’s behavior but we are responsible for how we interpret his behavior and what we focus on. And we’re responsible for how we show up based on how we’re feeling.
As soon as we blame him for how we are feeling, we lose all of our own emotional adulthood, all of our own power. Then we start acting in a way that we’re not proud of which has a negative impact on our relationship.
If we’re constantly trying to control someone else and have them be different than they are; if we’re constantly criticizing them for the way that they behave so we can feel more appreciated, I want you to think of how they may interpret that and feel.
Whatever it is you’re wanting from that person is exactly what you need to provide for yourself and then you get to show up for them in a way that’s authentic to you, not in a way that tries to manipulate how they feel or manipulate their behavior so you can feel a certain way. It makes a huge difference.
If you’re feeling unhappy, it’s because of the thoughts you’re thinking, not because of something he is doing or not doing. As soon as we let go of our manual we have for him and choose to love him unconditionally, we can have such a peaceful and wonderful relationship.
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